Depression? Who Me? Surely Not?

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Well, in my blogging journey leading up to my 40th birthday this year I did not expect to be battling the big black bear of depression, surely that was something that happened to other people? Not me? I am STRONG!

Where to begin? Well, I had a bit of a breakdown a few weeks ago, it was a Friday and recent stressful circumstances in my Stepfamily, home and world just piled on top of me and I just could not cope, could not stop crying, could not calm myself, just kept thinking I wanted to end it all, take some of my sleeping pills and be done with it – I thought of my son whom I adore, whom I mean everything to and knew I could never take that path, a friend wisely told me to ring the local hospital, so I did.

I was directed to a wonderful bunch of people that I never knew existed, known as your local Community Mental Health Access Team – they rang me really quickly, talked to me, assessed my situation, I had to make a decision whether to come into hospital or not, I decided not to and Hubby and I decided I would go away for a few days break from the home, my special needs child and my stepchildren, I went to a beautiful holiday cottage and spent 3 nights, 4 days just focusing on me and what was happening for me.

I went through a lot in those 4 days, I did not come out the other side like I thought. I went to see someone in the Access Team at the local Community Centre with Hubby for an assessment, I cried a lot, I shared a lot, I let it all out, I was anxious, sad, hopeless and very lost, they were kind and wonderful, they referred me to their Psychiatrist. Psychiatrist! I freaked, they are for crazy people, not people like me, normal people like me, must be a mistake? But no, apparently it was what I needed to do.

Learning to trust these professionals was hard, I wanted to fight this on my own, “get over myself” but it was not working, I was having low days then VERY low days, I was not myself so I went to see the Psychiatrist, spent 2 hours sharing information, answering difficult questions and being mentally and emotionally probed, it was not very comfortable. He dug into my childhood (oh please, don’t go there, it’s not pretty) and from what he was told about that and my life journey gave me a diagnosis of Dysthymia or Dysthymic Disorder, I had never heard of it (Googled like mad when I got home!)

Dysthymia is chronic long term depression that a person has had for a period of 2 years or longer, I had remembered being low, anxious, stressed, sad and had sleeping problems for the last 3.5 years with significance, since I became a stepmother to be precise, but I also recalled other periods over they years including back to childhood and teen years of being very low and my whole life I have wondered what it feels like to be at peace and happy. I have searched for that everywhere. People with Dysthymia have a low mood most of the time that they just get used to, think it’s normal, don’t even know it’s there, it’s what you live with.

I rejected this diagnosis at first, did not want to have a label, are you kidding me? I am not a “mental health” patient, but apparently I am and wait for it, this is the big one…..It’s not my fault, I can’t help it, I didn’t do it! There I have said it, all better now (I wish!) My brain is not working as it should, it is an illness, like having the flu or cancer or anything else and I was told I need a combination of medication and therapy to get me through.

It’s scary, but I am letting myself go day by day, I want to heal, want to be whole. I got my script filled today for my medication, which is not a traditional anti-depressant but a medication used for mood disorders as well as Epilepsy called Epilim – the Psychiatrist wants me to trust him on why this one is right for me, I am scared, scared of side effects, really scared, tonight is the night I will take it for the first time, I hope I am going to be ok.

I will share my journey as I can, I feel I have failed my family, my family reassures me they still love me, I asked Hubby if he wants to trade me in for a working model of a wife, he said not in a million years, I remembered then our wedding vows “in sickness and in health” and know that he is a keeper, I want to get better so much.

Don’t be scared to talk about depression, thousands, millions suffer from it, we need to take the taboo away from it to help others, I hope you will cheer me on as I embark on my journey through it to get healed and whole, with Gods grace.

Pizza In The Piazza

Image by Allerina & Glen MacLarty via Flickr

I have wanted to go to Italy for years now. I have read lots of real-life stories of women who upped and moved to Italy and found themselves, love and a few extra kilos whilst there. I don’t want to run away to live there, have considered retirement there but DO so want to holiday there with my Hubby.

We nearly went to Italy for our honeymoon, instead we saved money and went to Vanuatu, on reflection really wish we had done Italy and just maxed out the credit card – it would have been great. I don’t know what appeals to me so much. I think about the culture, the warmth of the people, the amazing fresh food, the markets, the decent coffee, REAL pizza, the countryside, the ocean, the beaches, the history – ah just everything ITALIAN!

I don’t just want to do the tourist spots either, in fact I would find that really boring, I want to get off the beaten track and see the real Italy, meet local villagers, make pasta with a local “mama” and sit down to a meal with a big Italian family! I want to dip bread into olive oil and not care about the diet.

I want to hire a Vespa, a little moped that so many Italians get around on, what a great invention, doesn’t go too fast, very economical and easy to park, not very sexy however but who cares, zipping around on a Vespa is good enough for me.

I have been looking at houses to rent over there, don’t want to stay in hotels, but a real house or two or three, live the lifestyle, rustic and charming. My ideal retirement would be to live over there, buy a few run down properties, do them up and rent them out to tourists at a ridiculously expensive price – sit back and retire in style, with afternoon siesta’s perfectly acceptable.

The Italians just seem to have it right – they laugh, they are passionate, they talk, they eat, they rest, they LOVE life, or so it seems, I want some of that to rub off on me.

So, Italy is on my must do list, maybe for our 5th wedding anniversary in September 2012, would be nice to renew our vows in the grounds of an old building somewhere on the Amalfi Coast.

Pizza in the Piazza here I come!

When The Shoe Doesn’t Fit

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I had a revelation yesterday, an epiphany, a light bulb moment that just may change my life forever.

I realised that for the last 3.5 years of my journey as a wife and stepmother that I have been trying to wear shoes that don’t fit me. No, I don’t buy my shoes one size too small, what I mean is that I have been trying all this time to live up to other people’s expectations that I had now come along to replace my stepson’s unstable mother, that I was the answer to everybody’s prayers, that FINALLY they would have a “real” mother in their lives.

Their mother left them 5.5 years ago, had an affair and left the kids and her marriage, for a few years she had a rather distant relationship with her kids at best, in recent years she has been “love-bombing” them to make up for this and we have gone through recent custody battles. But ultimately what she left behind in her wake were children who had a massive hole in their hearts from an absent parent (she was fairly absent emotionally when she lived with them also)

I fell in love with my husbands, not his family, I never wanted a large family, I had one son of my own and my dream all my life was to only ever have one other, I am not the maternal, clucky type whatsoever, it’s just not me. I liked his children and I cared enough to understand I was getting a package deal (although perhaps not with the amount of drama and issues that came with it) and was okay with this, but ultimately what I remembered yesterday was that I fell in love with my husband, I did not marry his children.

For years I have tried to live up to spoken and unspoken expectations that I was to fill this massive gap in their lives (hubby is guilty of expecting this too in early years) and I struggled and strained to try to take on this role, this of course only got met with pushback and resistance from my stepchildren, you know the story “you are NOT my mum” – hurtful words when everybody is telling you “it’s just like being their second mum” NO IT’S NOT!

I worried about them, I wanted to rescue them, save them, fix them, heal them, kiss it all better, I wanted to heal the wound that she had left in them really badly, I gave all of myself and then some, I changed for them, adapted for them, tried to please them, gave up, kept trying, gave up, kept trying and in the process lost who I was and ended up completely exhausting myself. I was in stepmother burnout, soon to be a recognised psychological condition I am sure.

Through recent custody battles and seeing my stepchildren change because of lies and manipulation planted by their birth mother I had to step back as I was sinking into a really dark place and was not coping with seeing them become so destroyed by her “toxic waste” – it was painful to watch.

Then I prayed and God spoke this to me, as clear as a bell “You are NOT their parent, they are NOT your responsibility, they are the responsibility of your husband and their mother, they were given to them to raise and the way these children turn out is their responsibility, NOT yours. YOU were given your son by birth and your job is to raise him well, love him and take care of HIS needs. LET GO”

Wow!

It suddenly made sense! Here I was for years stressing and worrying at night (ending up on sleeping tablets) about 3 children that were not mine, whilst their father and mother slept peacefully in separate houses seemingly oblivious to issues in their own children and obviously feeling that they were both doing enough. Why on earth was I become anxious, depressed and overwhelmed by this, crazy!

So, last night I talked with hubby and told him that the role of being a “mother” be it a replacement or otherwise was not sitting well with me and I felt like the shoe did not fit, that others expectations were too much for me to live up to. That God had made me with unique gifts and talents and a personality and that I can still have a relationship with the children that live with us but I don’t want it to be a parental one, I wanted to hand that all back to him. I don’t even like the title of StepMOTHER or StepMUM because it has that word in it. It’s just not what I am here to do. They don’t want another mother, they have one and are fiercely loyal to her, no matter what I did or how wonderful I was I could never replace her. Extended family sure underestimated the power of the mother-child bond even with an unstable and unpredictable mother.

So, what can I offer? Well I can be like an Aunty, a Teacher, a Friend – I will still care for them, I still want a relationship with them, to talk to them and from them all I want is respect and courtesy, a smile now and then and for them to like me, they don’t have to love me, that’s okay, just like me. As for all the parenting responsibilities, I have handed these back to my husband with his blessing and feel like the weight of the world has been lifted off my shoulders. God has put me here not to replace their mother but to be a role model of other things in their lives, I am here to be me, not something everybody expected me to be. This brings permission to breathe again, to relax, to not worry so much about them with every waking moment of my day (seriously this is how it was)

I bet there are other stepmother’s out there like me, I hope that in sharing my revelation it speaks to you also, if you are also one of the many that don’t really embrace the role but feel pressured to fill big shoes. It’s okay, take off the shoes that are hurting your feet and put on your slippers – all you have to be in your stepfamily is YOU, that’s all, it’s enough.

Over The Rainbow

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Well!

I have truly outdone myself this time. I decided after recent weeks of unhappiness in our home that I was going to do something about it – that enough was enough with the sad faces, the misery, the complaining, the lamenting (mostly mine) and the tears.

I decided to get happy no matter what everybody else did – I started to sing (my stepchildren looked happily surprised at me singing Over The Rainbow), I started to crack jokes, I even managed to make them laugh – someone say hallelujah!!

Why is this so amazing, because my stepchildren have recently been through a very traumatic experience and are in the middle of a yucky custody battle that is really wearing on them. It was wearing on me but I decided a change of perspective was what was needed, I mean after all – to some degree we can choose how we manage our trials and tribulations.

Well, it’s working, whatever I am doing – kids are responding really well, their Dad is doing his bit too, we are gradually drawing them out of their little shells that they went into in order to cope, these little tortoises are popping their heads out for a look at what is going on and they seem to like what they see.

My oh my, they seem so surprised that their Dad and I are not the wicked, bad, evil people that has been fed to them by their mother in a sad attempt to alienate them from us emotionally, the truth is becoming so very apparent to them I am sure, we are by no means perfect, but we are certainly not what we have been made out to be.

I am smiling seeing their smiles, hearing them laugh again is the best, just the best sound in the world, their mother is trying to steal their childhood by placing adult concepts in their little heads and burdening them with having to have loyalty wars (love me not them she says, help my insecurities) BUT we are determined to give them those childhoods back and not let her rob these precious little boys.

I won’t name call back, I won’t say nasty things like what is being said about us, I will love, laugh and sing really bad songs – oh and I will pray, and then I will pray some more. God told me yesterday that the battle belongs to Him, well I handed it over and the burden is now His to bear – He will do a better job than I ever could anyway.

I am now going to click my red shoes together and see what happens…

Broken Hearted Stepmother

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My heart is really broken today – my 9 year old stepson whom I had a good relationship with until his Mother “kidnapped” him and his brothers a month ago and refused to return them home told me today that he “wants nothing from me” “wants no relationship with me” and basically does not like me, he could not give a real good reason for it.My husband and I tried to understand why, I knew this was coming, he had been ignoring me since the court ordered him back home here with us where he lives from his Mother’s house, he had embraced so much of her victim mentality and had drunk from her poison chalice of lies and bitterness against us.

I had been telling my husband that things were not right with this stepson, that I felt a cold front from him and was confused as to why, I tried to talk to him and make things better but nothing worked, I was hurting really bad. Then today he walked past me and scowled at me so we decided to talk to him.

He brought up one time (and I mean one time!) when I dared say anything about their emotionally abusive, non-child support paying, mentally unstable mother which was when one of my stepchildren were saying how hard done by Mum was with not ever having any money and us having heaps and I said “well if Mum got off her backside and got a job she could have money too” I didn’t call her names, I just stated a fact – she avoids working to avoid paying child support, yet my husband pays child support to her every month for his other son that lives with her, at the time we were both working hard full-time to provide for 4 boys plus pay child support for 1 other – it wasn’t easy.

That comment was over 1.5 years ago and between then and now my stepson had been absolutely fine with me so I am not convinced it’s just that.  His mother has been offloading her stories of how hard done by she is and he has the personality type unfortunately to soak it up and begin to think like her. He is also distant from his father, he is sullen and withdrawn with his brothers and stepbrother most of the time also, his body language is painful to watch.

I care for this child but what am I supposed to do now? Do I keep pushing in? Do I back off? How do I live in the same house with a child who seems to detest the very sight of me, I am trying to be so mature about this but IT IS HURTING SO MUCH. Is it worth it? The pain of a stepfamily, the pain of kids hating you just because you married their dad? Is it really worth it – I am doubting my ability to keep going and going with this degree of pain.

There is a court case next week to dictate final orders about the children, I dread the outcome for many reasons, I have no idea which way the cookie is going to crumble, I have had my stepchildren live with me for 3.5 years now, there is a lot invested here. There is a part of me that does not want the drama anymore of ex-wives and their venomous hatred, stepkids that don’t want you and all the pain that comes with this territory.

Maybe I have had enough. I used to be really strong, I don’t feel that anymore. I feel defeated, worn down and am crying out to God to help this situation. How do I interact in a home where I see a child everyday that basically wants to ignore I exist – it reminds me too much of the home I grew up in unfortunately and I am not okay with that.

This is what Parental Alienation syndrome is – when one parent bad mouths and has denigrated the other parent and their life so much that the kids begin to turn on the other parent and anybody associated with them – it is destructive not only to those being pushed away but to the kids themselves. Their mother has a lot to answer for, she is destroying her kids childhood happiness and wholeness. I cannot fathom that as a Mother myself to one beautiful boy whom I would never hurt in this way in a million years.

What would you do?

My heart is broken in a million tiny pieces.

The Stepmothers Lament

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I don’t think most Stepmothers are really honest with those around them, or with themselves even, we have a desperate need to tell ourselves everything is alright when it’s really not – I have done this for 3.5 years and all it has resulted in is a loss of self and misery.

I don’t see myself as a victim by any means, I chose to be here, but I did not think for one second that my stepchildren would come with so much emotional damage from their Mother and the break up of their parents marriage, did not think it would be as deep or as destructive as what it is. I knew their mother was not stable, I saw that before marriage, but she has really taken things to a whole new level.

This is how I live my life at the moment: Every waking moment is spent obsessing about my stepchildren, what’s wrong with them, what are they feeling, do they like me? What do I need to do, should I read yet another Stepmothering book, do I reach out, back off, push in, pull away? Do they love me, do they like me? Do they resent me, hate me? Detest me? To my deep shame I don’t even put as much thought into what my own child needs because I am all consumed with making my stepchildren be happy, today I realised why – they have never seemed happy the whole time I have known them and I am trying to fill a gap that I did not leave in them, nor did I create – they have their deserting abandoning Mother to thank for that, I hate to see people hurting so I am wanting them to just be happy, please just be happy – to the point where I am now thinking that if living with their unstable birth mother makes them happy then maybe we should allow it, I can’t bear to see the sullen, sad, withdrawn faces anymore.

I have tried everything, I have read all the books, I looked hard at myself, I changed things in myself that were not healthy, I reached in to stepchildren even after they screamed “Get f’d ” I told them I loved them when I was not even sure if they liked me. I have listened to their complaints, their whines, their blame, everything and you know what I realise NOTHING, I repeat NOTHING is making any difference at all, this is because the people they want it from is my husband and their Mother – would these 2 parents please step up to the plate, much appreciated.

I have been nice, so nice that I have bitten my tongue, not spoken what I wanted to say, given all authority over to my husband, too afraid to upset them as they seem so broken already, they are not the same as my birth son in personality – my birth son is very affectionate, runs to me and gives me big squeezy hugs, he is also very vocal and very open with what he is feeling, nothing gets stuffed down due to his ADHD, he can be funny, he can be very caring, he can also drive me nuts, BUT he knows he is loved and I know he loves me. What I see in my stepchildren are kids that are not sure if they are loved (needing it expressed in ways that means something to them from both parents) I say “I love you” to them but know it’s not from me they want it.

Their Mother has gone from being distant and uninvolved to rescuing them, being sympathetic to every whim and whine, giving them what they want, lamenting with them about how awful their lives are, perpetuating victim mentality – it’s working from the perspective that they are drawing close to her and further away from us because we refuse to emotionally manipulate the children, but she is winning, I hate to say, but she is.

I walk on eggshells in my own home, my home is usually my sanctuary, but not here, I walk in a room and can be at times totally ignored by at least 2 out of 3 stepchildren, don’t always get a good morning or hello or goodbye, often they don’t say goodnight to me, might as well be invisible. Yet I cook their meals, do the grocery shopping to get them things they like, shop for their clothes, christmas presents, little gifts, school supplies – but so what really, I am not Mum, so bugger off please Stepmother. Take but don’t give back.

I grew up in a home where I was also ignored, my parents ignored me as a child then threw me out of home as a teenager because they could not “cope with parenting me” – What! So I am VERY sensitive to being places where I don’t feel welcome or wanted. I lived on the streets of Sydney for years, I would stay with anyone that would give me a piece of floor to sleep on for a few days but was very attuned to the moment when they would say “you have to go now” then I was back out there on the streets, I became a displaced person. So when I got a job and got my first little apartment I was passionate about making it a place where I felt safe and warm and cosy and protected. In every place I have lived on my own my friends commented on the peaceful calm atmosphere in my home, I don’t just want that again I NEED it for my own sanity. I can’t live with the depressing things in this place, it’s killing me. There is no joy, no laughter and I blame myself for everything even though logic shows me it’s not really my fault.

I can’t fix my stepchildren, it’s not my role either, I need to hand it back, I wish, oh how I wish I could stop caring so much, to just be one of these Stepmothers that just does not care, detached, whatever attitude towards them and their stuff. But I do care, and this is killing me.

I fantasize about a little cottage with just me and my son, with peace, structure, harmony, joy and happiness in it, I don’t want to leave my marriage so can I go live somewhere else please and stay married to my husband, then I can have both things that I want.  What if I have to choose? Please don’t tell me I have to choose.

I don’t like my stepfamily life – it’s a fact, it’s now been said, can’t take it back. I don’t like being a Stepmother, I find it too hard, it doesn’t suit me, I am not strong anymore. I want to feel happy, feel guilty about that, crazy huh? I have had a tough life, nearly 40 years of difficulties and I am just about ready to say ENOUGH to it all, I stay in situations over and over again for other people’s sake. Have done it in many relationships.

I am lost, confused, overwhelmed, scared, afraid, sad, defeated – but am determined to find who I am again one way or another.

Be brave, speak  your truth, know your truth and be the truth.

Related Articles

• Looking Through The Glass Window (emergingflutterby.wordpress.com)
• What Stepmothers Are Stepping Into (psychologytoday.com)

Looking Through The Glass Window

Image via Wikipedia

I was thinking today that being a Stepmother at times is the same as watching your stepchildren through a glass window,  you can see them, you can often hear them yet you can’t quite reach them, this is especially true if the birth mother has made it “bad” or “wrong” for them to like you/love you/have a relationship with you or your children.

It’s really painful to spend days and nights, months, minutes and years with your stepchildren yet they won’t really let you in emotionally for fear of their mother getting angry or upset at them.  You see them wanting it, needing it but not being allowed to go for it, sometimes us stepmother’s get told to try to bond more with our stepchildren, to get to know them, to get close to them, what is often not taken into account is that many of us are trying to do just that but they won’t let it really happen because their Mother will have a tantrum if they indicate they are getting close to you – it’s truly heartbreaking.

So these kids are left with gaps, gaps in their hearts, they won’t let the Stepmother in to fill the gap, they don’t see their Mother enough (they live with us, plus she is emotionally unstable) for her to fill the gap, so they are in a “love gap” – it’s very hard to see what children need, be able and willing to give it to them but not have it received.

I have not given up on my stepchildren, but at some point have to come to a place of acceptance that maybe all I am going to get in return is courtesy, respect and polite conversation, when I get a big hug it’s a bonus day! I want more in return from my stepchildren than what I currently get but know I can’t push it anymore – what I find really hard is that I feel restricted in loving on my birth child in front of them, does it make them feel jealous? I am not sure, but I don’t do it very often and that makes me really sad as I feel cramped as a mother – what’s hard to explain to them is that they could have the same type of relationship with me as what my birth child does BUT they have to give back AND they have to not be afraid to let me in.

Many Stepmothers want to feel like “Mother” to their Stepchildren, but this is often an expectation that sets you up for much sadness, I think that there should be more resources available to birth mothers on the impact they have on their children when they turn them against their Stepmother, Father or Step-Siblings – I know I am not alone with my situation I battle with my stepchildren’s mother, I am one of thousands of Stepmothers who shakes their head in disbelief at the sheer cruelty of it all and cries silent tears for the pain it causes in their Stepchildren and the damage to the home she is trying to create.

Please don’t judge a Stepmother, I truly, truly believe that you CANNOT fathom what a Stepmother feels, thinks or why she does things unless you are one, it is NOT the same as raising birth children, or adopted children – there is another woman in the picture, a woman who has a hold on her children no matter how she treats them, it’s a hard journey, all of us are here because we chose to be and we chose to stay and tough it out, so next time you are talking to a Stepmother, give her your listening ear, not  your judgement, your hugs, not your criticism and your understanding, not your assumptions

Stepmothers of the world – take a bow – I take my hat off to you – you are amazing!